Depression…the silent nightmare which stalks so many of us.

One of the biggest problems with depression is the stigma that is attached to any form of mental illness. I know that I have shocked people when I have stated that I in fact have a mental illness. You see, to many depression is not an illness…after all it is not like you can actually see it. One very special person said to me once “If I had a broken leg they would accept it but because they cannot see this they think that it doesn’t exist”. I can identify with these words and the anguish with which they were spoken. As one who has had this illness for the best part of my life, though diagnosed only in much more recent years, I have often wished that it could take the form of a physical ailment so that others could understand that it really does exist. I know that there have been many in my past who have told me that I have to just “pull myself together” and to just “get over it”. If only it were that simple! There is a huge difference between being depressed over something which has occurred in your life and having depression. To be depressed is natural in times of mourning or hurt. It is a natural reaction to some circumstances. In these cases it is usually gone within a period of time. It is an emotional reaction. To have depression is vastly different. Yes, it is all about emotions however it is not something over which we have any control. I have tried many different methods over many years with varying degrees of success. The biggest problem for me, as I imagine it is with most of my fellow sufferers though I hesitate to generalise too much, is the absolute lack of self esteem and worthiness. The inability to see oneself as having any value in either your own life or anyone elses. Once this very basic and fundamental piece of one is taken away it is very difficult to find a footing on which to maintain ones day to day life. I know that I tend to slip into what is almost an automated way of functioning. Any real value or quality in what I do is lost to me. I do not see myself as having anything of value to contribute, whether it be in my personal life or my working environment. I have developed over the years an ability to put on a facade through which most people do not see. Is this because I am very good at it or because people rarely choose to see beyond what is presented to them or they simply do not care? Some people with depression appear very needy, some withdraw totally from contact with others, some become aggressive and violent. Mostly I withdraw and my solitude becomes my haven, my safety barrier between myself and the outside world. To others I may seem like a perfectly ‘normal’ person, they have no idea of the anxiety and anguish which tumbles around inside of me like an internal cyclone sucking away at me slowly bit by little bit destroying my quality of life until that particular wave releases me and for a time I am able to rejoin the outside world until the next one hits and catches me in it’s strong and powerful grip. I have certainly found that medication helps, though I have in the past been like most who take anti depressants and once I feel in control I cease taking the medication only to plummet back into the darkness again. I accept now that I will probably be taking this medication for the rest of my life, just as one with a lot of other illnesses do. It is not a sign of strength to avoid treatment though most find that the most difficult and confronting part of the illness is to actually go to a doctor and ask for assistance or to ask any one for assistance at all. The first step to getting your life back is to reach out… reach out to someone who is in a position to help…….   To Be Continued…