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‘Breathe…Just Breathe’

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‘Breathe… just breathe’. If I had a dollar for every time I have silently uttered these words to myself I would be living the dream travelling this beautiful country in which I live, but alas I don’t so here I am sitting in my room at home attempting to explain to you one of my deepest darkest secrets. Well, maybe to some it is not such a secret but then I would like to think that I have managed over the years to overcome the obvious outward signs.

Anxiety.

That overwhelming, all-encompassing, at times totally incapacitating illness. Often it walks hand in hand with depression, which has also haunted me for much of my life. They are not always bed buddies though. Anxiety is a condition which can strike anyone at any time. For me it has been around for a long, long time and unfortunately has not always been understood by those closest to me and I, I am sorry to say, expected that they would understand when I simply said I have depression and anxiety.

One does not simply understand these conditions unless one experiences them for themselves. To some these feelings are so foreign that it is beyond their ability to comprehend. I do not say this in judgement, sadly it is fact. And I for one would love to be able to say that I cannot comprehend it also. Many become impatient and do not understand that it is about as easy to control as a tumbleweed in a cyclone.

The anxiety attacks – when you experience that inexplicable feeling that you are unable to breathe and your chest is so tight that you could be in the grip of a giant anaconda. The blood rushing through your body, hot and extremely uncomfortable making you feel as though you are melting from the inside. You feel yourself searching, desperate to hide, to become invisible to the world, to remove yourself to almost anywhere but where you are at this precise moment.

Anxiety for me has been the inability to take that phone call. It’s been the overwhelming urge to turn away and hide rather than open up that door and step outside into a world which I felt is coming at me from every angle. At one time in my life I worked at a place where the entrance was an archway through which I drove to access my office. Many times I was physically unable to make myself drive through that archway. The drive to work would be fine however the moment I attempted to drive through the archway I would experience the most overwhelming urge to turn around and drive away. At these times I would park my vehicle, close my eyes and say those words, like a mantra, ‘Breathe – just breathe’. As I focused my mind on taking a deep breath and feel it entering my body, I would also make myself become aware of my hands on the steering wheel, the seat supporting me, my feet on the floor… grounding myself, bringing myself totalling into the moment. Sometimes this would take mere seconds, other times it would be minutes but then and only then could I drive through the archway and go about my work day with others totally oblivious to any trauma I had experienced.

Another example was once again about getting to work however it was to do with my fears and phobias. I was, and still am to a much lesser degree, afraid of heights and also afraid of water. It did not occur to me when I accepted a role as massage therapist on the beautiful and unique Fraser Island, on the Fraser Coast in Queensland, that I would have to face those fears on a daily basis. I was very excited to have the dream job, doing what I so wanted to do in such an idyllic setting. However, actually getting to work was a challenge. I would travel to work from the boat harbour at Hervey Bay to Kingfisher Bay each work day. The jetty at that time had a railing on only one side. It was quite long and quite high. Herein lay the problem. When the tide was in my fear of water would arise, when the tide was out, my fear of heights would kick in. I developed strategies such as I would always try to ensure that I was either in the middle of the groups of disembarking tourists so that I really didn’t get to see either the water nor the distance to the water or I would try to walk against the railing with people beside me, however this was not as easy as it may sound with eager tourists searching for the beautiful sea creatures that swam around the jetty. Also I was on a very strict time limit as I had to open the spa each time I went across so I could not linger and wait until the tourists had made their way to the resort. One day I was on a later ferry, I missed the first of the day crowd which was always the busiest. As I stepped on to the jetty I realised that I had hardly anyone around me. Moved over to the rail, however the tide was at its lowest. Instantly my blood started to heat up, my breathing started to constrict and my head pound. Very slowly I walked along grasping the railing for dear life and fighting the urge to throw myself down on the firm surface of the jetty where I would not have to deal with anything… except for the fact that I would at some stage have to get up and move and people may think I were just a little crazy! Of course, I survived the walk and that evening I was able to surround myself with people so that I could safely board the ferry to return home. I knew after that day that I would either have to deal with my anxiety or I would have to resign. Fortunately, I am a therapist with many tools in my kit and I found one that worked wonderfully for me. EFT saved me from having to resign. The wonders of that therapy are for a future story, however, suffice it to say that after an intense couple of days of therapy I was able to continue with the dream job and enjoy the stroll along the jetty to get there. That day is firmly fixed in my memory, the totally irrational and yet uncontrollable all-consuming panic that overcame me will forever be with me. I see myself staring at the jetty in front of me, willing my feet to move, just one step at a time, repeating over and over, ‘Breathe… just breathe’. Another day which is equally embedded in my memory is the first day that I walked along the jetty without fear of either the water or the height… such freedom! It is possible to overcome anxiety however not everyone has the tools to do so, nor do many know where to find them. It is not always about medication, sometimes we have to think outside of the square.

There have been other times when anxiety attacks have reared their ugly heads but I will not bore you with details. I have given the examples above to attempt to explain the randomness and often illogical way that anxiety works. Much of the time, those who do not understand it are trying to apply logic to it. That, in my experience, does not work.

Anxiety is not just anxiety attacks, some may never experience a full-blown attack. For many it is a feeling of inexplicable tension, a failure to be able to think clearly and sometimes, speak coherently. For others it can be the inability to be around others for fear that they will see some or all of these symptoms. For me anxiety has made me feel at times that I have let so many people down, that I have never achieved as I should have or as they may have expected me to… a feeling of being a failure in the eyes of those who matter.

So I ask you, anyone who may be reading this, if you know someone with anxiety please do not judge them. You do not know the inner battles that rage within them. If someone is acting a little strangely or out of character a simple “Are you okay?” is sometimes all it takes to break the hold of the monster within, other times it may take more but it is worth a try and you never know when you may just change the course of another’s day. Never forget those magic words… ‘Breathe… just breathe.”

Peaceful journeys until next time,

Indigo (aka Trish)

Soul Mates

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I had a message from a friend a week or so ago letting me know that her husband had passed away several months ago. It took me a few days to respond to the message, not because I didn’t care but because it had such an impact on me. This couple were such a wonderful match, just right for each other and so happy together, so obviously in love. Sadly their time together was limited by his illness but the most important thing they did was make the most of every moment they had together.

 
It got me wondering… is it possible for everyone to have what they had… that one amazing connection with another which many refer to as soul mates. Many of us love during our lifetimes, some several times, but how many of us have that all consuming connection with another human being. Where we touch each others souls, where the physical attraction is as strong as but is also secondary to the emotional and spiritual connection.

 
I believe it is possible to have more than one soul mate or should I say soul mates on different levels. Wonderful friendship with another of similar energy to ourselves. Some are purely spiritual while others are purely emotional or possibly physical. They are very special connections in themselves, however to have that one person with whom you have a total connection, the spiritual, physical and emotional is truly unique and precious. It is as though you know that you have known each other before in previous lifetimes, you are so familiar to each other. You may not have actual memories of other times together but you have an energetic imprint which is like a magnet and the connection is not to be denied.

 
Now I am not talking about that comfortable as an old shoe feeling, where you immediately relax with another. While that is a lovely comforting connection the unique soul mate connection is more one that, though it can be very comfortable and comforting, it also has an edge to it that stimulates us and keeps us alert and looking forward to the next moment, the next possibility, the next profound experience. Not that life is always deeply profound, however, when shared with that particular person every moment holds something precious, a surreal sunset, a wild flower in bloom, the majesty of an eagle soaring, the bliss of pure silence or the richness of laughter. Made all the more magical by their presence.

 
Maybe it is the romance of the poet which makes me pen these words for I am one of the lucky ones who have experienced this connection… I hope you get share it also.

 

’til next time,

Indigo (aka Trish)

HowZat?!

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In the wake of the last few days I can only say that I am truly concerned for the future of not just cricket in Australia but the country as a whole. I have this morning watched Steve Smith’s, Cameron Bancroft’s and Darren Lehman’s statements and David Warner’s comment to the press. My heart goes out to them. They have become nothing more than the newest targets for the media. Like specimens in a science lab they will be poked, prodded and put through mind shatteringly cruel scrutiny all for the sake of what seems to pass today as acceptable journalism. They will be harassed, cameras will stalk them, microphones shoved in their faces every time they move. Yes, I understand that they have taken on roles of very high-profile people (if you follow cricket that is… otherwise you may never have heard of them), however this does not make them our property. They are human beings. Fathers, sons, brothers, uncles, cousins, friends. And sadly human beings make mistakes or errors in judgement. None of us in infallible. Before you judge too harshly think about how you would be feeling right now if you were them, or their families or friends.

These fellows are in the position they are in because they are elite sportsmen. How have they got there? An extreme amount of sacrifice by not only them but their families as well. Also a huge amount of talent, strength, tenacity and love for their chosen sport. Most likely the publicity is the last thing they were chasing when they chose this path. Yes, no doubt they wanted to be up there with the best in the world in their sphere. Is that not what any truly talented person aspires to when they sacrifice so much in pursuit of their dreams? The fact that they have now become the latest targets for almost every man and his dog to take pot shots at in the media and on social media would not have been on their radar when they chose to walk along this path. Those who love the game of cricket have sat back and watched in awe as these men have “taken us to glory” on numerous occasions. Let us not forget that! The media are certainly happy to get their headlines from these heroics. Our politicians too like to jump on the band wagon and ride the glory train.

What kind of people are we that we feel we have the right to vilify them? I wonder how many of the so-called journalists could stand up to the harassment that they inflict upon their victims? I wonder too, how many would come out squeaky clean if they and their lives, professional and personal were placed under a microscope and dissected bit by bit, piece by piece? Oh, and don’t forget our illustrious Prime Minister! My stomach turned with disgust when I saw comments by him and other politicians about how cheating is a terrible disgrace. Really??? Politicians getting all het up about lack of honesty and integrity? Spare me the theatrics please. What hypocrisy.

Amazing too, isn’t it how everyone suddenly becomes an expert on topics that before have quite possibly not even crossed their minds. The snippets of television that I have bothered to watch show morning show hosts giving their opinions, evening show hosts giving theirs and no doubt everyone in between as well. I despair for the future when we Australians are going to be so influenced by this culture of everyone is an expert because they have the way and means of being in your face every day… they are ‘famous’ people talking about ‘famous’ people, they must be right… surely??? Give me a break.

I say let these men get on with their lives. Blind Freddy can see that they are mortified by their actions and the ensuing results. Just because they are Australians does not mean their actions are any worse than any other ball tampering incident from any other player from any other country. Look at the penalties other ‘cheats’ have been handed. Let the time fit the crime and allow them to do that time without being harassed and abused. They have been through more than most people could stand already. While I certainly don’t condone their actions I find the behaviours of those involved in their persecution even more abhorrent.

Until next time,

Trish

 

Progress? Change? Or just simply life?

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Ever had that feeling that there is so much more to life than what you are currently doing?  It is something that I experience from time to time and it has only been in recent years that I have started to honour it.  I have had many ‘wise’ people tell me that ‘one day you will have to stop running away’.  It used to make me stop and doubt my inner feelings, make me wonder what exactly it is that I am ‘running away’ from.  These days I no longer listen to these helpful folk.  I know that what is within me is my ultimate guide. My wisdom comes from within and while there are times that I allow fear to dictate I know that I will find peace once I let go of that fear and do what feels right to me.

I do not feel that I am running from something, nor do I feel that I am constantly searching as others sometimes tell me I am doing.  Searching implies that I’ve lost something.  I certainly do not feel that I’ve lost anything, rather that each and every time I make another life choice I am growing and evolving on many different levels.

Several years ago I became the proud owner of a beautiful website.  A wonderfully patient friend produced some stunning art work for the site. The site was to showcase not only my healing modalities – Kinesiology, Reiki, Massage, Spiritual Guidance but to allow me to share my writing with the great big wide world.  At first, like most people I was very enthusiastic and posted regularly.  Then gradually I allowed the demands of life as it was then to change my focus.  Eventually I forgot how to even log on to manage the site so I allowed it to go where so many other websites go, that graveyard in cyber space!

Recently I had the urge to start up my website again.  In the intervening years from when I began my first site and now I have had so many experiences, some of which were painful, some of which were very extremely enjoyable, all of which culminated in the realisation that within me there is the soul of a gypsy, a wanderer, a free spirit.

As I progressed along my path experiencing life, I wrote many poems on so many different topics.  At times my emotions poured out through my keyboard, raw and revealing.  Some who are close to me find it too difficult to read about the darkness and anguish that plagued my life (or maybe they just really don’t enjoy my writing!!) but there were others, usually strangers who contacted me, telling me how moved they are to at last have found someone who could put into words the emotions that they themselves had been feeling but were unable to verbalise.  What a wonderful revelation that was to me.  To be seen as a ‘voice’ for the expression of the deepest feelings of not only myself but of so many others is an honour beyond all others.  Just as I consider it an honour to have an individual come to me for physical, hands on healing of one modality or another; to experience the level of trust that people place in me is truly humbling.

I have long been aware that my life purpose is healing.  There is nothing that gives me more pleasure than to be involved in the healing process of another, to facilitate the healing and hopefully sharing with them the tools which will allow them to take their own healing to another level.

Recently I have been experiencing many aches and pains throughout my body.  Of course, being in my early 50’s I was prepared to accept that age was catching up with me and that the dreaded arthritis was invading my joints.  Off to the doctor I went and fortunately he decided to send me to a specialist.  The specialist had no real opinion to offer one way or the other but did arrange for me to have almost every bloody test known to man.  After having 9 phials of blood taken for goodness only knows how many tests I eventually received the call from my doctor asking me to come in and discuss my results.  Guess what?  The results revealed that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me!  No signs of arthritis in any way shape for form. Xrays also returned with nothing visible. So what is this mystery illness?  Why am I experiencing pain daily, almost constantly?   My health according to science is extremely good.

The idea has been filtering down to me in various ways for a while now that maybe I am not doing what it is that I was put on this earth to do.  How can this be so?  I am a healer and for the past year or so that is what I have been doing.  I have my own little business with a wonderful client base, I have been living my dream. How can I not be doing what I am meant to be doing?  

I have just returned from a week in Rotorua, New Zealand.  The trip literally fell into my lap and was totally unexpected.  I invited a girl friend to join me and away we went.  I do not believe in coincidence, my belief is that the Universe lays things out before us and it is up to us to either recognise the synchronicity or go on ignoring the signs.  Whilst in the wonderful Rotorua I attempted to make appointments to see local ‘spiritual healers’ in the hope that they may have some revelations for me.  I was unable to lock down appointments for various reasons so I decided to just book into a spa for a 30 minute massage while my friend had a treatment.  Thank you Universe!  Here, in the surrounds of this very lovely but quite commercial spa I found my spiritual healer.  She took one look at me when I walked into the treatment room and started lecturing me.  Why am I carrying so much pain belonging to others?  Do I not realise that the pain I am experiencing is not my own but that of my clients and most likely many others as well?  Of course, being a spiritual person I am fully aware that this is one of the dangers of being an empath and a healer.  We had a lovely discussion and the beautiful Marji massaged away the pain and the weight of what I had been carting around with me believing to be my own.

Also during the trip my friend received an email from her publisher with suggested cover designs and type fonts to choose from for her soon to be published novella.  It was so special to share this exciting time with her.  I know how much writing means to her as it is a passion we have shared since meeting.  As we sat and talked late into the night for many nights on our holiday we spoke of our dreams and explored possibilities of what might lay ahead for each of us.  At one stage I found myself telling her that she had no need to pursue a career in healing as her particular healing gift was in her ability to write.  Hello? Where did those words come from and were they only for her?  

A culmination of so many things which have occurred in the past couple of months has given me the awareness that my focus must return to my writing.  My healing does not have to be only in the form of getting people up on the table in my little clinic and soothing away their woes.  My healing can and will be also through my words, my ability to express from my heart whether I am writing of my own experiences or others.  How many times does a light bulb have to go off before I listen to my inner self and do what I am truly deeply passionate about?  Yes, I love my little clinic but it does not have to be my only focus.  I must embrace ALL that I am, allow my words to flow and trust that those they are meant to reach will through one channel or another find them when they will do most good.

So, is this progress?  Is this change?  Or is this just simply life and the Universe leading me to my ultimate Utopia?  Keep an eye on http://www.indigowisdom.com.au to see where this journey goes.

Until next time, which I am expecting to be real soon!

Take care,

Indigo (aka Trish)

Evolving Dreams

Evolving Dreams

Last evening I spoke with someone very dear to me and it occurred to me during the course of the conversation that the life of a gypsy would be perfect for me. To be able to just wander from place to place; not locking myself into any real hard and fast material commitment; putting down roots for just as long as I choose. That sounds like heaven to me.

The prospect of going places that I never thought I would have the opportunity to see within my beautiful homeland appeals greatly to me. I know that there are thousands of places that I have never heard of which would strike a chord within my soul. Some of these may be populated while others may simply be beautiful places in the bush somewhere far away off the beaten track.

I dream of finding these wonderful places and spending time acquainting myself with them, forming a connection to the spirit of the land. To be able to do this and to write of my experiences would set my soul alive. I am sure that armed with my trusty laptop and my camera I could be content for the rest of my born days.

My massage table would also be close by my side. I enjoy my healing work which I have not been actively involved in for some time now. I think it is time to raise the covers and start to share again. How many times have I been told “You cannot save everyone on the planet” or similar? The thing is that I know that I can make a difference. It may be for just one person for just that short time but each and every time I do this it will be another step towards harmony for both the recipient and me.
How wonderful would it be to be able to offer a weary fellow traveller a nice relaxing massage or reiki/energy/intuitive healing when they are cramped and uncomfortable from sitting in their vehicles for extended periods?

They tell me that these days self-publishing is the way to make it happen for a writer. I wonder how many would actually read my work? All I can do is give it a go and leave the rest to the Universe. If it is meant to happen it will, with some effort on my part. To share my writing and be able to take others on a journey through the country side would be a dream come true.

The beauty of the skills that I have acquired throughout my life is that I can use them anywhere. I do not have to be stuck in one place to utilise them for my own benefit and the benefit of others. How simple life would be. Driving into a tiny outback town and putting out a sign offering massage/spiritual guidance or maybe even a personalised poem!

The more I think about it, the more it seems real and possible to me. This is the purpose of having dreams, this is why we day dream. We dream it until we remove all the obstacles and then it becomes our reality.

It would be wonderful to have someone to share this pilgrimage with. I wonder just how good my powers of manifestation are…..

Life is a Celebration

Life is a Celebration

The Willy Wag tail that spends much of his time on the front fence is almost defiant in his strut along the wire. Even in the rain he flitters back and forth. It is an interesting time here in Cairns, Far North Queensland as we await the arrival of Tropical Cyclone Ita. It is difficult to explain the calm that has settled over me. It is a feeling of total peace combined with an awe and acceptance of the power of Nature. A connection with my surroundings as we wait the eternal wait to see what, if any destruction we will be subjected to.

It is a time of contemplation for me, as I sit and just Be. I have often wondered over the past weeks why I came to Cairns, what drew me here when my life was established in South Australia. I know now the reason for my being here at this particular time. To experience the absolute futility of worry is a part of it. What good does worry do when faced with the tremendous unknown forces? It will not change the power nor the result. The only purpose it serves is to make one miserable while anticipating outcomes which may never happen.

I have always considered that my greatest achievements in life have been the birth of my two beautiful children and watching them grow and develop into amazing young adults of who I am very proud. While this is indeed still on one level my greatest achievement I now see so much else in my life to be proud of. Everything we do in life is a cause for celebration; every day lived; every moment experienced; every lesson learned; every tear shed whether through joy or sorrow. Life is a celebration.

My passion is to write, I am fortunate that I have been given the ability to do so whether through poetry or other forms. It is part of my journey to do so and until I honour it properly the life that I am celebrating will be found wanting. Thank you, Tropical Cyclone Ita. Thank you, Cairns, while I do not see myself here for the long haul I am grateful for the awareness and perception you have bestowed on me.

Now, like that Willy Wag Tail, I too can strut my stuff!

Spear Creek….Ahhhhh what a perfect place to write…. My place of Solitude. Part 5

Spear Creek....Ahhhhh what a perfect place to write…. My place of Solitude. Part 5

28th December 2013

What a stinker of a night last night! Soooo hot and still for the most part. Of course, the wind picked up again around 2am but not as bad as the first night. The air con whirring next door may have made me feel it even worse.

I woke nice and early, the sun was not yet sneaking over the top of the ranges. How lovely it is to lay there and read without the heat and the flies. I was tempted to turn on the radio and make a bit of noise but I know what it is like to be camping with tired and cranky kids so I restrained myself.

I ran into Clem (with the trail bike) in the communal facilities. He and his family are on their way to NSW after 6 months in the Northern Territory. They went up there for a holiday and ended up staying for a while with work being very plentiful. He thought it was time to return home and see what needed doing at his place. He assured me that if I didn’t mind living in some rough areas I would find work without any problems in the Territory. Apparently they are screaming out for workers in all fields. I wonder……

My chat with Clem was the first time I had actually spoken with anyone since my arrival. It was lovely to exchange pleasantries and a bit of light chatter and then go back to my little piece of paradise.

I was sitting drinking my coffee and contemplating the scenery when Sharon the caretaker came and introduced herself. She asked how long I planned on staying and was not at all surprised when I said I had no idea. A lovely friendly lady, she said that she and Graham were off to town (Port Augusta) for supplies and did I need anything while she was there. I assured her that I would be heading in myself before long and thanked her for her kindness. Just the perfect type of person to be looking after this place.

As I made a mental list of what I need, ice and maybe a decent new esky being the priority, one by one the others around me began to pack up and leave. By the time I was ready to head into town I was once again on my own!

On the trip to town I once again saw the emus. Not so many this time but obviously it is a place they like to hang out. I wondered for a moment whether it could be an emu farm but then when I looked at the state of the fences it was obvious they were not there to keep the emus in.

On my return from town I noticed a clunking noise in the front driver’s side of my car. Uh oh! Maybe I should not have spent that money on the new Waeco Ice Box! Oh well, what is done is done. Fortunately I do actually know a mechanic in Port Augusta and a lovely fellow he is too. I will have to get him to take a look at my car and hopefully repair it for me.

It was so nice to return to Spear Creek and ‘my’ tree. It has been a lovely place to rest and rejuvenate. Even better when there is no one around and one can feel as though they are the only person on earth.

I received a message from a girlfriend asking me what my plans for New Year’s Eve were. I don’t think she really understood when I said that I still didn’t know if I would even be back in the city by then. Not everyone feels the same as I about the bush but now that I have found this place, thanks to my friend’s recommendation, I am not at all keen to leave it.

As I snap photographs of some of the bird life I think to myself….Ahhhhh what a perfect place to write…. My place of Solitude.

To be continued…..