‘Breathe… just breathe’. If I had a dollar for every time I have silently uttered these words to myself I would be living the dream travelling this beautiful country in which I live, but alas I don’t so here I am sitting in my room at home attempting to explain to you one of my deepest darkest secrets. Well, maybe to some it is not such a secret but then I would like to think that I have managed over the years to overcome the obvious outward signs.
Anxiety.
That overwhelming, all-encompassing, at times totally incapacitating illness. Often it walks hand in hand with depression, which has also haunted me for much of my life. They are not always bed buddies though. Anxiety is a condition which can strike anyone at any time. For me it has been around for a long, long time and unfortunately has not always been understood by those closest to me and I, I am sorry to say, expected that they would understand when I simply said I have depression and anxiety.
One does not simply understand these conditions unless one experiences them for themselves. To some these feelings are so foreign that it is beyond their ability to comprehend. I do not say this in judgement, sadly it is fact. And I for one would love to be able to say that I cannot comprehend it also. Many become impatient and do not understand that it is about as easy to control as a tumbleweed in a cyclone.
The anxiety attacks – when you experience that inexplicable feeling that you are unable to breathe and your chest is so tight that you could be in the grip of a giant anaconda. The blood rushing through your body, hot and extremely uncomfortable making you feel as though you are melting from the inside. You feel yourself searching, desperate to hide, to become invisible to the world, to remove yourself to almost anywhere but where you are at this precise moment.
Anxiety for me has been the inability to take that phone call. It’s been the overwhelming urge to turn away and hide rather than open up that door and step outside into a world which I felt is coming at me from every angle. At one time in my life I worked at a place where the entrance was an archway through which I drove to access my office. Many times I was physically unable to make myself drive through that archway. The drive to work would be fine however the moment I attempted to drive through the archway I would experience the most overwhelming urge to turn around and drive away. At these times I would park my vehicle, close my eyes and say those words, like a mantra, ‘Breathe – just breathe’. As I focused my mind on taking a deep breath and feel it entering my body, I would also make myself become aware of my hands on the steering wheel, the seat supporting me, my feet on the floor… grounding myself, bringing myself totalling into the moment. Sometimes this would take mere seconds, other times it would be minutes but then and only then could I drive through the archway and go about my work day with others totally oblivious to any trauma I had experienced.
Another example was once again about getting to work however it was to do with my fears and phobias. I was, and still am to a much lesser degree, afraid of heights and also afraid of water. It did not occur to me when I accepted a role as massage therapist on the beautiful and unique Fraser Island, on the Fraser Coast in Queensland, that I would have to face those fears on a daily basis. I was very excited to have the dream job, doing what I so wanted to do in such an idyllic setting. However, actually getting to work was a challenge. I would travel to work from the boat harbour at Hervey Bay to Kingfisher Bay each work day. The jetty at that time had a railing on only one side. It was quite long and quite high. Herein lay the problem. When the tide was in my fear of water would arise, when the tide was out, my fear of heights would kick in. I developed strategies such as I would always try to ensure that I was either in the middle of the groups of disembarking tourists so that I really didn’t get to see either the water nor the distance to the water or I would try to walk against the railing with people beside me, however this was not as easy as it may sound with eager tourists searching for the beautiful sea creatures that swam around the jetty. Also I was on a very strict time limit as I had to open the spa each time I went across so I could not linger and wait until the tourists had made their way to the resort. One day I was on a later ferry, I missed the first of the day crowd which was always the busiest. As I stepped on to the jetty I realised that I had hardly anyone around me. Moved over to the rail, however the tide was at its lowest. Instantly my blood started to heat up, my breathing started to constrict and my head pound. Very slowly I walked along grasping the railing for dear life and fighting the urge to throw myself down on the firm surface of the jetty where I would not have to deal with anything… except for the fact that I would at some stage have to get up and move and people may think I were just a little crazy! Of course, I survived the walk and that evening I was able to surround myself with people so that I could safely board the ferry to return home. I knew after that day that I would either have to deal with my anxiety or I would have to resign. Fortunately, I am a therapist with many tools in my kit and I found one that worked wonderfully for me. EFT saved me from having to resign. The wonders of that therapy are for a future story, however, suffice it to say that after an intense couple of days of therapy I was able to continue with the dream job and enjoy the stroll along the jetty to get there. That day is firmly fixed in my memory, the totally irrational and yet uncontrollable all-consuming panic that overcame me will forever be with me. I see myself staring at the jetty in front of me, willing my feet to move, just one step at a time, repeating over and over, ‘Breathe… just breathe’. Another day which is equally embedded in my memory is the first day that I walked along the jetty without fear of either the water or the height… such freedom! It is possible to overcome anxiety however not everyone has the tools to do so, nor do many know where to find them. It is not always about medication, sometimes we have to think outside of the square.
There have been other times when anxiety attacks have reared their ugly heads but I will not bore you with details. I have given the examples above to attempt to explain the randomness and often illogical way that anxiety works. Much of the time, those who do not understand it are trying to apply logic to it. That, in my experience, does not work.
Anxiety is not just anxiety attacks, some may never experience a full-blown attack. For many it is a feeling of inexplicable tension, a failure to be able to think clearly and sometimes, speak coherently. For others it can be the inability to be around others for fear that they will see some or all of these symptoms. For me anxiety has made me feel at times that I have let so many people down, that I have never achieved as I should have or as they may have expected me to… a feeling of being a failure in the eyes of those who matter.
So I ask you, anyone who may be reading this, if you know someone with anxiety please do not judge them. You do not know the inner battles that rage within them. If someone is acting a little strangely or out of character a simple “Are you okay?” is sometimes all it takes to break the hold of the monster within, other times it may take more but it is worth a try and you never know when you may just change the course of another’s day. Never forget those magic words… ‘Breathe… just breathe.”
Peaceful journeys until next time,
Indigo (aka Trish)
