Sacrificial Love

Sacrificial Love

Some feel they must make sacrifices
to allow love into their lives
to give up part of themselves
their dreams and their desires

To some it is a challenge
to open up their hearts
and let another in
to walk beside them on their path

They fear that in surrendering
to the emotions which they feel
they must give more of themselves
than they care to reveal

They fear they will be stifled
a loss of freedom long held dear
instead of being open to sharing
the joy, desire, pain and tears

Love is not a sacrifice
for it enriches beyond measure
when we give our heart
and share all of life’s pleasures

Trish Johnston 6th April 2014

Hidden Caves

Hidden Caves

I hate this place,
this hidden cave
This place I go
when I can’t cope

It cuts me off
from all I love
It cuts me off
from any hope

There is no light
Its dark in here
I don’t care
Don’t want to see

I cry my tears
While no one sees
These tears I cry
While no one cares

This pain I feel
I can’t explain
No one cares
Alone again

I push them away
They do not try
To stay around
And I know why

Not worthy of
Another’s love
Just poke and prod
And push and shove

I love this place
This hidden cave
Where I go when
It gets too much

Don’t bother me
Just stay away
Leave me alone
In my misery

Trish Johnston 9th December 2010

Forget the Glass

Forget the Glass

There’s really no point looking in the bottom of a glass
The answers do not hide there for future present past
For a time you are anaesthetised from the searing pain
Momentary release that’s all, until it returns again

Memories are your enemy at least that is what you think
Though really it is the emotions to which those memories link
You struggle with them daily, never really knowing
When something will trigger you and set the emotions flowing

Experiences can rob you of very fundamental rights
Leave you feeling worthless with no strength to fight
They may take from you the belief that you can be safe
The ability to open up and allow love to take fears place

Trust is such a fragile thing which can be shattered with a word
Hope becomes what others have though to you it seems absurd
Dreams are never to be expressed for fear of ridicule
So in silent pain you sit, self-preservation the golden rule

There’s really no point now looking back into your past
Whether it was bad or good for now you have just one task
Seek that which will free you from your dark despair
Release that crutch that carries you though you don’t see it there

Life is meant for living, fulfilment yours to reap
It is okay to expect happiness, of love and beauty speak
You are allowed to dream, to let peace your angst replace
To believe in you and a wonderful life is yours to embrace

Trish Johnston 8th February

Do you see what I see?

Do you see what I see?

Do you see what I see
As I gaze into the sky
Sparkling shining stars
Lighting the darkness of my mind

Do you see the moon up there
Her beautiful silver glow
Washing down upon us
Whispering secrets we need to know

Gentle words stirring feelings
Like a lovers sweet serenade
Teasing taunting all my senses
Music being perfectly played

But wait…..
Is that cloud I see
Drifting before my eyes?
Or is it life’s reality
My sweetest dreams being denied

With the storm comes an awakening
Lightning flashes bright
Thunder bringing passion
Pure unadulterated delight

Sunrise steals the diamonds
Like a thief gliding across the land
But it cannot steal the caress
I felt from the touch of your hand.

My Wealth, My Self

My Wealth, My Self

One thing that I have learned
In this journey I am partaking
Is that happiness can be found
When all else is forsaken

Some think that their possessions
Are the way to measure wealth
Me, I see things differently
My wealth is my Self

For all those vast possessions
The house, the boat, the cars
They did not make me happy
My pleasure in them did not last

Now, I have nothing
Except my heart to give
And you know I have discovered
That is not such a bad way to live.

Trish Johnston 4th July 2011

Rest and rejuvenation – Clare Valley

Rest and rejuvenation – Clare Valley

Rest and rejuvenation – Clare Valley.

“I think you need to spend some time resting to give yourself a chance to recover. Now how long shall I write the certificate for?” I sat there a little stunned, staring speechlessly at my doctor. Me? A sick certificate? Time off work? “Ah, is that really necessary?” I asked. The rather dry response was “Well, my dear, if you want to get on top of this before it gets any more on top of you I would suggest that it is necessary. You will have medication that will quite possibly make you drowsy and even less able to concentrate than you can now. Yes, I think it is necessary.”

Of course, it could not have come at a worse time in relation to my work but then ill health does not usually choose a convenient time, does it? While I felt extremely guilty (why I am not sure) about not being at work I certainly felt unwell enough to justify a lot of sleep in the first 36 hours I was home.

Another thing that it had a huge impact on is that I was all set to go camping again this weekend. I already had my shopping taken care of and was planning on bringing the tent and the rest of the camping gear up from the shed during the week so that I could have the car packed and ready to go when I finished work on Friday afternoon. Now, I may be quite strong minded and stubborn but I am not silly enough to go camping on my own when I am not well. How disappointing! I had such a wonderful time during my maiden solo trip at Christmas time and I was expecting more of the same again this long weekend.

Not to be out smarted I sat down and did some research into accommodation close by. Wow! I expected that it would not be cheap being a long weekend but I didn’t expect the prices that I found, nor did I expect to have to book for the whole weekend. I can understand that the industry has to make their money when they can but I am rather naïve in these things.

Okay, time to rethink again. What options did I have… the only one that made any sense was to go before the weekend and get the cheaper rate. There was only one night but at least it was something. Once my mind was made up I searched around for a reasonably priced place in the Clare Valley. For those of you who don’t know the Clare Valley is a beautiful area full of world famous wineries.

I booked a room online at the Clare Valley Motel and threw some bits and pieces into a bag, most importantly my camera and accessories. Though it is not a long drive to Clare I knew that I might need to rest along the way so I was prepared for a longer than usual trip and of course, with my camera in tow time really meant nothing to me anyway.

I love the vision that one sees with when looking for a photo opportunity. Never before have I seen as much detail as since investing in a decent camera. With the convenience of being able to delete the duds at no expense the freedom one has with a digital camera is wonderful.

Upon arrival in Clare, after many stops along the way I checked in to the motel and was very pleasantly surprised with just how nice it was, especially considering the room was at the low end of the price scale for the area. Eagerly I set off into the town proper with my camera. Oh, what a treat the beautiful old buildings in so many South Australian towns are! So much heritage preserved, one can feel the history opening up before them as their eyes rest on these magnificent structures. Not all of them are huge but they all have such wonderful character. I can just stroll through them for hours. As with most small towns the locals were friendly and welcoming also.

None more so than the bricklayer and his off siders who greeted me when I stuck my nose into The Taminga Hotel. “Come in, love. We won’t bite you” called the man at the end of the bar. Hair and beard as white as snow but I think he had lived a pretty hard life and his looks could have been a bit deceiving. There were only the 3 of them in the bar. He assured me that they were just a bunch of brickies enjoying a beer at the end of the day and that they had only just knocked off. They all chuckled when I said that I felt much safer knowing that they had not had enough to drink yet to get out of hand. “What do you do for work, love?” I hesitated, then said “I’m a Site Administrator/Document Controller for a company in Adelaide.” One of the offsiders said “Can you put that in plain English for us?” The bearded one said “Ah, so you have more qualifications than all of us put together! An intelligent one!” I had to chuckle to myself at the misapprehension some people live under. I ordered myself a soft drink and sat and chatted with these three characters. I discovered why the older one wears a beard too… It is obviously to catch his teeth when they fall from his mouth.

Let me explain… we were sitting talking happily, I noticed as we talked that he only had one front tooth in his top gum, the other 5 or so were missing. As he talked, and he was pretty good at it and had an opinion of everything, I could not believe my eyes when the one remaining tooth fell into his beard. Without even faltering he plucked the tooth from his beard, popped it into his pocket and continued to share with me his views on the youth of today and how to ‘fix’ them. I would not have believed what I had actually seen if one of the young guys didn’t have a chuckle and look at me with a cheeky grin on his face. I guess it must be something that happens from time to time!

I finished up my drink and bid farewell to the brickies and set off to find somewhere to buy dinner to take back to my room. The motel offered food but I wanted to spend a little more time wandering around town. 30 minutes later armed with a terrific smelling pizza I returned to my motel for dinner.
After dinner I decided that I would take a stroll. Not really the smartest move, by the time I arrived back at my motel room I was feeling like a wrung out dish cloth.

Why is it that when you are away from your own bed it is so difficult to sleep? I had 4 pillows and 3 cushions to choose from and not one of them was to my liking. Talk about a princess! My head was throbbing, my ears aching, my eye so inflamed that I thought it was going to burst and I still couldn’t get to sleep. Turn the air conditioner off, ah the silence, that is better. Now I am hot. Wreck the bed so I am just under the sheet. Just about to doze off and the people from the unit next door arrive. I listen to them take their gear inside. Thankfully the rooms are good enough that I didn’t have to listen to their conversation once they were inside. Oh come on! Do you really have to shower now? Ah quiet at last. Now the light from the clock radio was irritating me. I put my book on top of it to cover it. Oh, I know so well what it is like for a child to be over tired, every little thing an irritation. I toss and I turn, each time I roll over the room spins crazily ARGHHHH! Just go to bloody sleep, woman! Eventually the medication kicked in and I drifted off to sleep.

Ahhh the bliss of waking this morning to the sound of rain on the roof. Not the best for taking photos but the rain is so badly needed everywhere that one could not possibly complain. After breakfast in town at a lovely little café I eventually started to make my way back to the city, stopping frequently for photos just to enjoy watching some sheep in a paddock or the clouds moving across the sky. Grateful for to be in a position to be able to get out and enjoy some of these finer things in life, the simple, the ordinary and the very beautiful; this country so many take for granted which really is the most wonderful and incredible place to live.

Fear ~ that ‘other person’ in your head

Fear ~ that 'other person' in your head

“Worry is a terrible thing; like having another person in your head.” ~ taken from Ten Weeks in Africa written by J M Shaw.

These words jumped off the page at me this morning. I indicated in my last blog that next I would share my thoughts on fear. The quote above has prompted me to do so today. I am including in this an article, for want of a better word, which I ‘channelled’ in 2009. I share it with you exactly as it came to me:

“Fear; the most consuming emotion in the human spectrum. Fear is the greatest block that a human will have to deal with and deal with it you must. It must be confronted, defeated and diminished to a level that allows you to live wisely, trusting your intuition to guide you instead of the fear that constantly holds you back.

Fear leads to a great lack of self-worth. It holds your heart in a tight fist, allowing no growth, keeping it constricted, unable to function in the most fundamental manner of giving and receiving.

Some believe that it is easier to live in fear than it is to defeat the cause of their pain. These are the ones who are unable to experience the joy in life, the sweetness of true acceptance and love. Much of the dis-ease on Earth today can be attributed to fear. Your physical bodies hold within the pain that comes from fear, it lodges in an area of weakness, growing and manifesting into illness. To cure many of your Earthly diseases the first step should be to address the emotionally crippling fear from which the illness arose.

Addictions are a direct result of one feeling unable to face fear and turning to a substance that for a time appears to offer an escape from the pain and uncertainty in life. What the addict fails to acknowledge is that the paranoia brought on by the altered state is no more desirable or beneficial than that which is driving the addiction. Alcohol and drugs are mere masks offering no solutions.

Fear of living in your true power leads to a misuse of your personal power. To be a powerful person is to be one who has self-love, the love of and for fellow man. While this may seem a simplistic view it is all that is necessary to overcome the negatives. A misuse of power is due to fear and insecurity in oneself and one’s ability to perform a given task. A bully lives in fear of being defeated, of being ridiculed; unworthy so therefore he projects these very things onto others. Bullies demand respect which will never be forthcoming as respect is one aspect of love and love is something which must be given and received freely and willingly, with no expectations.

Many relationships fail due to fear from either one or both partners being unable to overcome the fear of commitment or the fear of failure or the fear of ‘surrendering’ the self to another. What they do not recognize is that in this surrender is a completeness brought about by releasing the fear of inadequacy and allowing love to lift and empower themselves and their partner.

Fear creates a tremendous imbalance in life. Dark outweighs light, pain and anger dominate happiness and joy; and so the cycle of negativity continues.

Those who use fear as a tool of dominance are committing a gross disservice to all concerned. The threat of punishment either physical or emotional is driven by insecurity and non-acceptance. Hate, anger and cruelty all stem from fears; either your own or those which have been forced upon you by others within your environment.

The most basic and essential task for all of mankind is to work on releasing fear and allowing love to guide your to contentment, joy and respect. Once this is attained peace and unity are unavoidable!”

To me there are basically only two real fundamental emotions – Fear and Love. Every emotion; every feeling; every action; every reaction; in fact everything we do comes from either one or the other of these driving forces. Fear, for the most part, comes from lack of knowledge and understanding. If we enable ourselves through learning to understand that which strikes fear into us at least we are then better equipped to handle it in our daily lives.

Often the fear which impacts us most is that of actually releasing pain. I know that this sounds strange as we all say that we would love to be free of the emotional pain which on some level haunts us all. There are, in my experience as a therapist, many instances where a person feels that without their pain they would have nothing. This is not a conscious thought, I am not saying that people consciously, willing hold on to their pain. I am saying that at times it feels, on a subconscious level that pain is what validates them. They have lived with their pain and their horror for so long that it has become a crutch to them… it has become their identity and if they were to release it who then would they become? The fear of that unknown ‘fearless’ identity is overwhelming. The whole scenario of unworthiness takes hold for they feel that they do not have the right to expect that their lives could possibly become full of peace; laughter and joy; love; even though that is what they would dearly love to have. It is frightening to think that they will have to readjust their life to accommodate a whole new set of feelings and emotions. What they do not realise is that it is an automatic occurrence. When we release fear love is all that is left to us.

I do not mean love as in the traditional meaning of the word, though usually once fear is release that one of one love comes freely also. I mean love as in self-love, acceptance of self, acceptance of what happens within our lives and the ability to make changes or change our perspectives to enable us to live a more peaceful existence.

I have another piece of writing from March 2010 which I would like to share with you about an amazing young Rwandan who proves that love can overcome the fear that I have described above. I will dig through my archives and find it and post it here soon.

Spear Creek… Where did that Solitude go? Part 4

Spear Creek... Where did that Solitude go?  Part 4

27th December 2013

Evening

The day had been very warm and I was sitting in the shade of ‘my’ tree enjoying a cold drink and watching the birds playing under the sprinkler when I heard the unmistakable sound of a vehicle towing a van. Next thing I knew I had company in my little haven. Two pop up camper trailers being towed by sparkling dual cab 4x4s, in each of them were Mum and Dad and two children. They conveniently parked on the opposite side of the complex so that I had a front row seat for the entertainment.

Vehicle 1: Mum and Dad and 2 young girls approximately 12 and 9 disembark. Mum and Dad are sharing a chuckle over something and the children are chattering happily.

Vehicle 2: Mum and Dad and 1 girl approximately 12 and a boy about 10 alight. Mum and Dad are squabbling over whether the van is parked well enough or not. Daughter and son are eager to explore…but not together!

Vehicle 1: Mum tells the girls to go and have a look around and see what they can find (oh and by the way “See the kangaroo poo on the ground.” The girls laugh and off they go. Mum and Dad set about setting up their van. Obviously they have a routine and it all comes together nicely.

Vehicle 2: Kids are off with their friends exploring while Mum grumbles about how it must be great to be a kid and not have to do the work “Don’t walk in the kangaroo poo! I don’t want to have to clean that up out of the van!” They have 2 kayaks on the top of their van and have a rather animated discussion about whether it makes more sense to leave them there and wind the pop top up or remove the straps and lift them off before doing so. Eventually Dave from Vehicle 1 is called on for his opinion. Dave points out that considering they are stacked on top of each other on one side of the roof it may be best to remove them so as not to put undue strain on one side of the roof once it is raised. Mum and Dad set about undoing the two straps that hold them to the roof and yell for the kids to come and help lift them down. That done they prepare to set up camp.

Vehicle 1: Site is organised with chairs and table set up. The kids are back and Mum suggests they might like to play under the sprinkler to cool off. The kids are off and loving it.

Vehicle 2: She’s winding the roof up too fast apparently, however when she suggests to him that he might like to do it he very quickly points out that she is doing fine, just needs to slow down just a little to ensure the cable doesn’t kink. How does she know how far to wind? He assures her that she will know when it is fully extended. At last the top is up. Now to extend the beds. Gives the kids a water pistol each to play with.

Vehicle 1: Mum suggests that Dad might like to offer a hand to Vehicle 2. Didn’t catch Dad’s reply but no assistance was offered.

Vehicle 2. A discussion on where the fishing gear needed to be put and here while you are at it take these life jackets too. Next thing a tv antenna is passed out. “Hey Dave, did I tell you I brought a telly?” Dave: “You’re kidding right?” “No, I bought a 32 inch screen so we can watch the cricket. I’ll have to get you to help me set it up and tune it in.” Dave and Mum just shake their heads. At this stage I am not sure exactly what else to expect to come out the door of the van. Kids come sneaking over and squirt both sets of Mums and Dads. Vehicle 1 parents laugh and threaten retaliation. Vehicle 2 Mum shrieks that she detests being wet when she is hot, if they can’t play sensibly with them she’ll take them off them! Makes me wonder what parent would think any child is going to be “sensible” with a water pistol? More to the point what is “sensible” with a water pistol?

Eventually they settle down in the shade of the trees on the opposite side of the complex to where they set up camp. Time for drinks and some relaxation.

Another vehicle arrives. After some deliberation they decide to camp in a different area so off they go.

Another vehicle arrives. A rather large extender van with Mum and Dad and 3 small children. They decide that the spot right next to me looks great. They set up and turn the air con on to cool the van down. Dad takes the kids over to the sprinkler which the caretaker had just turned off and turned it back on again so the kids could play.

Another vehicle arrives. A van towing a motor bike in a trailer. Mum Dad and 2 teenage kids. Nowhere near as entertaining as the previous arrivals.

The caretaker comes out and turns the sprinkler off again. Toddler starts to shriek because the water has stopped. Mum waits until the caretaker has gone and unhooks the sprinkler and turns the tap on for the little one to play under. Apparently they don’t have to worry about water conservation in Esperance.

I head off to the showers lamenting that my solitude has been shattered again and this time it is not by Mother Nature.

How lucky for us all that when the partying ended the fellow in the extender van forgot to turn his outside light off thus lighting up the entire camping area. The night is incredibly hot and the air con whirrs next to me all night.

Where oh where has my solitude gone???

To be continued….

Spear Creek…. Solitude (!?!) Part 2

Spear Creek....  Solitude (!?!)  Part 2

26th December 2013

Why does food always taste better when you are camping? A simple meal of lamb chops, buttered new potatoes and tomato tasted like fine dining. Accompany it with a couple of CC and drys and I was very satisfied. As expected, my little $13 single burner worked a treat.

It is a wonderful evening and having eaten at what I describe as ‘old peoples time’ I had plenty of time to watch the fading sun light up the sky in beautiful shades of pinks, oranges and mauves. As I have many times in the past I lament the fact that my artistic talent leans more toward the descriptive word than the use of a pencil or paints. I would love just once to be able to capture the glory of a sunset or sunrise….oh well, I will just keep putting it out there!

I receive a message from the caretakers saying they will be back tomorrow afternoon and will I still be here then. I very quickly responded “Yes, for sure.” I am in no rush to part company with ‘my’ tree! As usual I discovered that my sense of direction was all wrong and the sun has not set where I expected it to, however, this is no real problem as I have chosen the prime spot in the park, where I am shaded almost every moment.

Eventually my bed calls to me. Fortunately I still have the air mattress from my camping days with my family back in Qld, let’s just hope that it has not sprung a leak since then! Armed with my book and my little reading light I snuggle down in bed. A predicted 13 degrees overnight has me under my blanket feeling safe and sound and content. I drift off to sleep to the night sounds of the bush.

I awake suddenly to the most unholy noise, for a split second totally confused as to what it could be. Then I realise that it is the wind hammering at my tent. I had not zipped up the entry door on the fly as I wanted the air to circulate. Believe me it was circulating! I wondered how it was possible that the tent was still in one piece. I climbed out of my cocoon and stood back and observed my little haven being bent into more shapes than a contortionist on show night. A fleeting thought along the lines of “I should have spent more than $50 on my tent” went through my mind.

It was then I looked around me and noticed the beautiful night sky above me. The stars were shining brightly, twinkling down at me like mischievous angels from above. I could feel my Dad up there having a chuckle but proud and punch of his girl. As I gazed up into the sky I felt the connection to everyone on earth, not only in my beautiful Australia but all countries across the world. There is something about a starry night that does that to me and it is a wonderful feeling.

It was rather cool outside so I climbed back into my cocoon, after securing the door in the fly. Sleep was a little difficult to come by after that as I lay there wondering just how strong a wind it would take to lift me up and deposit me in some distant place……

To be continued…..

Spear Creek…. a place of Solitude (Part 1)

Spear Creek.... a place of Solitude (Part 1)

As I approached the entry to Spear Creek, there in the paddock beside me I saw at least a dozen emus, possibly more, they were scattered everywhere fossicking on the barren land for some little tid bit. As I pulled over to snap a few photos I knew I was coming to the right place.

Spear Creek, a working sheep station just out from Stirling North in South Australia, was recommended to me by someone to whom I would entrust my life. If he said this place would suit my search for solitude then that is where I was going.

Upon arrival the office was shut with a notice saying that management was currently away and to please select a site and ring the number provided to arrange payment. I walked around the campsites and was instantly in awe of the beautiful ancient trees around the area, the backdrop to the trees being the magnificent Flinders Ranges. The best part about it was that there was not another person in sight.

As I started to clear off an area to set up my tent marvelling at the number of butterflies which were fluttering around, I reached to pick up something lying on the ground. It was a bottle top on which was stamped a lion’s head. Now anyone who knows me well knows that I always wear two pendants, one of an angel and the other a lion’s head. The appearance of the butterflies (living symbols of angels) and the lion’s head had me smiling deep within. The signs are always there, we just have to recognise them.

So I set about putting my campsite together. The birds danced and chattered in the trees around me. It was not long at all before they had christened my brand new tent with a dropping or two and when I scolded them they proved that their aim was no fluke as the next one was on my head! Cheeky things.

After the work was completed I sat under the shade of ‘my’ ancient tree, a lovely cold beer in a stubby cooler; and allowed the energy to soak right into my being. How lovely it is to not only have the awareness of ancient times but also to have it surrounding you. Off in the distance I could hear sheep bleating, a comforting childhood memory. The birdsong never ceased, not until the light of the day had faded.

There was a time when this kind of solitude would have been too much for me, fears would have surfaced and I would not have been able to stay in such a place. Now, at this time in my life this is exactly what makes my heart soar. To reach out and touch the beautiful smooth bark of ‘my ‘ ancient tree and feel the energy emanating from it is a humbling experience indeed. Images of those who had walked the land before me danced before my eyes.

Indeed, what a wonderful place is Spear Creek; one of those rare places that really can be referred to as Heaven on Earth.

to be continued….